


you're a canary, i'm a coalmine

by tea_at_twilight_time



Category: Dangan:Rebirth, Dangan:Rebirth-Voices, Danganronpa Fan Series
Genre: Angst, Crushes, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied abuse, M/M, Male Friendship, Mental Health Issues, Mentions of Death and Violence, Mentions of Sexual Assault, Panic Attacks, Past Sexual Abuse, Psychological Trauma, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Sharing a Bed, Slight Internalized Homophobia, ah yes those tags truly make this an official tea at twilight time production don't they :'), implied past sexual abuse, minor blood, no one outside of my friend is reading this so i can update tags whenever i want haha, oh yeah spoilers for the original japanese rebirth, playing fast and loose with japanese suffixes hell yeah, real gross platonic fluff, repeated mentions of vomiting but nothing too graphic, tbh this is mostly just. kin venting haha, toxic situations, um so i guess we're doing this lol, what are. feelings, what the fuck kind of talent is "shsl assassin" anyway they're like twelve, yodogawa's a gay disaster just fucking look at him, you know. usual stuff that comes with being an assassin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-03
Updated: 2018-10-17
Packaged: 2019-07-24 17:05:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16179425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tea_at_twilight_time/pseuds/tea_at_twilight_time
Summary: yodogawa seishi can't bring himself to complete his most recent assignment. what ensues is the general unraveling of things.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> coupl'a things 
> 
> 1) this isn't the type of content i usually post on this account, i know. i'm sorry. i just didn't want to use my original account because i don't want to clean it out haha it's a mess. i like this account better anyway so? it should be fine i think 
> 
> 2) this is probably kinda ooc and definitely coming out of nowhere. i'm sorry about that. i just....i've been hit with kin emotions and i'm kind of a mess and i gotta get it out otherwise aaaaaahhh. besides, it makes for a good story, doesn't it? so i figured why not? 
> 
> 3) this is set in an alternate universe where the rebirth kids all went to school together. they've been classmates for about two or three months. 
> 
> i think that covers it! i'm sorry about all that haha...

It started with that letter. That damn letter...   
  
Yodogawa wasn't in the mood to even _think_ about the contents tucked inside that envelope. Every time he allowed his mind to wander in that direction, his hands would shake and his breath would come short, and the contents of his stomach would threaten to make a reappearance. That was the worst part of it—the nausea. He didn't get sick often, but the first time he'd read through what was on that paper, he immediately ran off to vomit.   
  
It was fine, though. It was fine. Really. He'd taken a deep breath, brushed himself off, and headed off to bed—much earlier than usual, sure, but he had just been a bit tired. It was a long day, and quite frankly, he had already needed the rest. It had nothing to do with the the letter, nor with throwing up only a few moments ago.   
  
...he probably should have thought a little more about what he was going to do about the order he was given. Normally, that was the first thing he would've done. But...he was weak. He knew better than most that words had power, and the words on that page had struck him, sunk deep into his body and made him unable to do anything but tremble with an ineffable anxiety. And when those words had to be translated into action?   
  
Well.   
  
It still really shouldn't have affected him so much. He was used to these kind of instructions. He got them all the time, after all. That was his job. His talent. Surely, this overreaction was just because he was tired. Yeah. He really was exhausted from the day before, so it only made sense that his emotions weren't quite in check.   
  
Despite what he was telling himself, the moment he landed on his bed his body curled in on itself, and he grabbed onto his pillow and held it close. Big, fat tears welled up in his eyes, and as hard as he tried to fight it, they started to roll down his cheeks. His fingers clenched hard onto the fabric of the pillowcase, and he let out a soft sob.   
  
" _Why_?" His voice cracked as he spoke, and he squeezed his eyes shut as though that would defend him against the reality of the world. "Why would they ask that of me? Why _now_?"   
  
Just this once. Just this one moment of weakness, that was all he would allow. Then he would be able to deal with it in the morning, and he'd never have to think about this ever again. He'd probably be taken out of the school after this mission was complete, so he’d never have to face his classmates again after doing something so awful. It would be fine. Right?   
  
Yeah. That sounded right.

He hadn’t even been _told_ that this was just another mission.   
  
His body shaking with sobs, Yodogawa buried his face into his pillow and let himself cry it out. He hadn’t cried like this since he was seven, and god, he hadn’t missed it. It was gross and uncomfortable, and it felt like he was being suffocated as he gasped desperately through his sobs. He fell asleep with his face buried in the damp fabric, fresh tear tracks still drying on his cheeks.

He had no idea what he was going to do.   
  
There was no way he could kill Fujimori. 

Not now. Not anymore.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yodogawa gets an unexpected visitor 
> 
> ((mind the tags!))

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's only one person reading this but by GOD i'll keep going 
> 
> warning for mentions of sexual abuse and prominent themes of self harm

"Hey."  
  
The voice made Yodogawa shift, his body still oddly heavy. His bangs were stuck to his cheek, and he lifted a hand to scrub at his eyes, trying to wake himself up. Was it...morning? Did he really sleep through his alarm? He lifted his eyes to the window, and found that there was already light streaming through the glass. He squinted, his eyes moving to the clock. 10:07 A.M. He did indeed do just that. He should probably get up and get ready...

Someone cleared their throat, reminding him of their presence. It took him a moment to realize there was a weight on his bed, and he jolted immediately, lifting his head and shakily pushing himself up into a sitting position. God, how hadn't he noticed someone _sitting on his bed_? What the hell was wrong with him? They could’ve...well, there was a lot of things they could’ve done to him, none of them pleasant. He felt his breathing pick up, the sensation of hands, and he instinctively curled in on himself, as though that would somehow protect him.  
  
"Holy fuck..." 

That was...Tsuchiya’s voice. Tsuchiya was sitting at his feet, fidgeting with the sleeve of his hoodie. Yodogawa lifted his head, no small amount of relief at this revelation. Tsuchiya himself did not seem as relieved to see him awake, but to be fair, it would’ve been hard to tell if he even noticed him if he hadn’t said something. His collar was zipped all the way up and pulled all the way over his mouth, so it was difficult to tell what expression he was wearing. Not impossible, but certainly a challenge. But that was the norm for Tsuchiya, he supposed.  
  
"What the hell happened to you? You look like complete and utter shit."  
  
As was that show of his ever-so-excellent manners. Yodogawa sighed, running his hand through his hair before simply shrugging and moving to sit closer to him. He watched as the other played with his sleeve, pulling it up, down, up, down. Being this close made Yodogawa able to recognize _exactly_ what the flashes of angry, ugly redness marring Tsuchiya's mostly covered wrists were, and suddenly, putrid saliva once again welled up in his mouth, warning him of the eruption to come.  
  
Breathing deeply through his nose, Yodogawa pulled his own sleeve over the heel of his palm and pressed it against his mouth. He was not going to get sick again. He was not. Especially not over something like this. He was stronger than this. _Better_ than this.  
  
"Hmm?" Tsuchiya glanced up, and it almost seemed like worry passed through his gaze before he fixed it with the usual impassiveness. "Oh. I guess you really are sick. Fujimori thought that might be the case. He sent me to go check on you. I don't know why he chose me of all people..." 

He grumbled that last part, shrinking back into himself. He seemed put off, somehow.  
  
"...fuck. Aren't you gonna like, say something...?"  
  
Ah. Ah, yeah, right. Taking a deep breath, Yodogawa managed to steady himself before saying, "How'd you get in here...?"  
  
Tsuchiya huffed, sliding his hand into one of his sleeves and scratching vigorously at his skin. "Fucking finally...aren't you supposed to be the smart one here...?" He huffed again, before pulling his hand out and switching, diving into the other sleeve. "You left your fucking door unlocked. Why the hell did you do that, anyway?"  
  
"I..." Yodogawa bit his lip, his brow furrowing. "I guess I just wasn't thinking..." He'd opened the letter immediately upon entering, and so he didn't...god, he really must've been out of it. He still was, honestly.  
  
"No shit," Tsuchiya said, huffing a little. Suddenly, he made a soft grunt of pain, flinching a little. “Ah, fuck…stupid fucking scars...” 

 “Tsuchiya-kun?” Yodogawa bit his lip, not bothering to hide the worry in his eyes. “You hurt yourself?” The way he phrased it made the double meaning very clear, and Tsuchiya flinched.  
  
“I-it’s nothing. Don’t worry ‘bout it, okay? You don’t know what you’re talking about...” he said, shaking his head. Then, suddenly, his eyes widened, panic filling his expression. He pulled his hand out of his sleeve, only to reveal that it was covered in blood. "No..." he whispered softly. A choked, strangled cry escaped him, and his face went pale. He stared down in horror as blood soaked into his sleeve, his entire body starting to tremble slightly. "Shit...!" He looked up at Yodogawa with wide eyes, grabbing tightly onto his own wrist. “Th-this is just...d-don’t worry about it, okay?! I’ll j-just…” He started, as though he were going to get up, only to seem to find himself glued to the bed. “F-fucker…”  
  
Suddenly, the feeling came back to Yodogawa's limbs, and he got to his feet. "H-hey, hey, Tsuchiya-kun..." he murmured, shucking off his jacket (did he really fall asleep with it on...?) and draping it over his shoulders. He rushed off to the bathroom, grabbing his small first aid kit and bringing it back over to the bed.  
  
"No...no, no, no, no..." Tsuchiya muttered, staring down at his shaking arm blankly. Actually...no. His eyes weren't empty. They were full of _fear_. He hiccuped, honest to god, and it sounded dangerously close to a sob. It would've sounded sad coming from anyone, but Tsuchiya...he always had this aura about him, like you could do anything to him and he wouldn't care. He'd never sounded like he was in _pain_ before.  
  
It made a lump raise in Yodogawa's throat, and his hands were shaking as he grabbed onto Tsuchiya's hand. He reached for his sleeve, only for Tsuchiya's blood-stained fingers to stop him, panic clear on the other's face.  
  
"Tsuchiya-kun—"  
  
"No. No, I'm begging, please..." His voice was shaking, squeezing hard onto Yodogawa's fingers. There was a desperation in his words, and he genuinely looked as though he was going to cry. "Please don't look..." He shook his head, inhaling shakily and clutching even tighter to Yodogawa's fingers, almost as if he were trying to break them.

Closing his eyes, Yodogawa took in a shaky breath before opening them again. "Tsu— _Akira-kun_. You're bleeding. I think it's best if we do something about it? Unless you want to bleed out here?"  
  
For a moment, the two just stared at each other. Then, finally, Tsuchiya relented, tears starting to stream down his face as he pulled his hand off of Yodogawa's own slowly.  
  
"That's a dirty trick, you know," he said, though it lacked the bite of his usual tone through his broken sobs. "Using my first name like that...we aren't friends."  
  
Yodogawa didn't pay him any mind, however. He simply pushed his sleeve back, and focused all of his energy on not vomiting as he tried to fix the destruction his classmate had wrought on himself.  
  
_You've seen worse than this. Hell, you've_ done _worse than this. Why are you being such a coward now? Just get on with it!_  
  
There wasn't as much blood as he'd been afraid there was. Tsuchiya had just scratched open one of his scars, no more, no less. It was a pretty easy fix. Continuing to measure out his breaths to steady himself (one, two, three...one, two, three...), Yodogawa soon got to work, cleaning out the wounds with shaking hands.  
  
The two stayed silent the entire time, aside from the occasional sniffle or choked half-sob. No one dared speak, not until the final bandage was fastened around Tsuchiya's wrist.  
  
"You're good at that," Tsuchiya said quietly, breaking the silence with a shaking voice.  
  
"Uh...yeah." Yodogawa swallowed, shifting a little where he was sitting. "I've...done this before. Quite a bit." Ever since he was a child, in fact. He was maybe only three years old when  _that_  started.  
  
"Heh," Tsuchiya huffed out, scrubbing at his eyes with his unbandaged hand. "Maybe your talent should've been Health Committee Member instead of Mystery Novelist." 

That made Yodogawa freeze, panic suddenly gripping his chest. Why, he wasn't sure. It was kind of funny, really. He was much better at hurting people than healing them. What an amusing thought.  
  
So...why couldn't he breathe?  
  
"Hey? Earth to Yodogawa?" Tsuchiya was waving his hand in front of his face, the worry returning to his gaze as the last few tears made their trail down his cheeks. This time, he didn't bother to cover it up. "Seriously, what the hell? What's wrong with you today? You're never this spacey..."  
  
With an audible gasp, Yodogawa blinked back into consciousness, once again maintaining control of his breathing. "Ah...yeah. I...I guess I really am ill...I ended up, er, getting sick last night. I'm quite sorry..."  
  
"Why? Don't apologize. I don't give a shit," Tsuchiya grumbled, tracing the lines of the bandages with his finger. "I'm just trying to make sure you're not dying, that's it." He threw himself onto his back, adjusting himself to lay more comfortably on the bed. He held his unbandaged wrist up above his face, examining it in the light.  
  
"Oh...okay..." Yodogawa replied hesitantly, his eyes tracking Tsuchiya's movements. He stayed quiet for a moment, before finally bringing himself to speak up. "Why? Why did you...do that to yourself?"  
  
Tsuchiya slowly put his wrist down, fixing him with a weak attempt at a withering stare. "Why the hell not? It's not your body, is it? Fuck off." He rolled over onto his side, bringing his bare wrist back in front of his face.  
  
Yodogawa frowned, before laying down with him, laid out on a tiny strip of the bed on his back. His figure was more than slender enough to manage to fit there, but still, he was probably a little closer to his classmate than he needed to be. He couldn't help it. The warmth radiating off of him was very comforting, even if he did smell kind of gross.  
  
"You haven't taken a shower in a while, have you?" he said, gently knocking his head against Tsuchiya's back. Despite the situation, he was smiling slightly, happy to be allowing himself this bit of human contact, if only for a little while. If only because Tsuchiya was being so compliant.  
  
In speaking of the other, Tsuchiya huffed, presumably rolling his eyes at him. "Oh, shut the fuck up. I don't need your opinion." He shifted a little, and Yodogawa briefly wondered if he made him self conscious. "I'm not...I usually don't get this close to other people. You should be thankful."  
  
Yodogawa smiled a little bit brighter, wrapping his arms around himself. "I _am_ thankful," he said, and he even surprised himself with how genuine he sounded. How long had it been since someone was physically close to him?  
  
No...let him rephrase that.  
  
How long had it been since someone was physically close to him without trying to _do something_ to him? It had to have been at least four years, if not more. He didn't exactly have a habit of _willingly_ letting people in the bed with him...  
  
Tsuchiya shifted next to him, catching his attention yet again. It was rather difficult to tell what his bedmate was feeling, and it made an anxious lump form in the pit of his stomach.  
  
"Oh...seriously?" Tsuchiya finally said. He sounded just as taken aback as Yodogawa was, and his tone was tinged with disbelief. "Well...fuck. Okay then."  
  
They both went quiet for a moment, neither quite knowing what to say. Yodogawa worried that he'd made him uncomfortable. This _was_ Tsuchiya, after all. He had made it extremely clear that he hated human interaction, that was the first thing he'd told him and their classmates. Maybe he should just pull away and apologize...  
  
His thoughts were soon interrupted, however, by Tsuchiya's bemused voice, his ideas forcibly shaken from his mind.  
  
"Can I just say how fucking _dumb_ it was for you to give me your jacket when I'm already wearing two?"  
  
Yodogawa felt his heart jump right into his throat. Oh...yeah...he'd forgotten about that. He swallowed, sitting himself up as embarrassment colored his cheeks pink. Immediately, he started to stammer out excuses. "Ah...I-I apologize, I didn't really know wh-what else...I-I think it was just...I-I d-didn't mean..."  
  
Suddenly, Tsuchiya rolled over to face him, a small smile on his face. "Geez, are you always this serious? I was kidding, chill." He sighed, once again fidgeting with the hem of his sleeve. "I mean...I still have it on my stupid shoulders, don't I...?"  
  
"I..." The humiliated pink didn't leave Yodogawa's face, and he nodded meekly, laying back down. He had barely even noticed that. Wasn't he usually better at keeping track of details than this? "I suppose so..."  
  
Tsuchiya chuckled, shaking his head a little. "You're losing it, Seishi. That wasn't even something I was trying to hide." He grimaced, staring intensely down at his marred wrist. There was a deep sadness gracing his features, and he looked almost...fragile. Even broken. The look passed quickly, but if you looked closely, you could still see its ghost in his expression. 

 "You're not really sick, are you?"  
  
Tsuchiya looked up at him, meeting his gaze for what felt like the first time that morning. There was an oddly empathetic air radiating off of him, and Yodogawa felt as though he was within a fingertip's grasp of realizing something about him, if he could only reach it.  
  
"I really did vomit last night," Yodogawa admitted, his voice quiet. "But I'm not ill in any physical sense, no."  
  
Pulling his collar up a little higher, Tsuchiya looked away again, directing his attention to Yodogawa's jacket still enveloped around him. "I kinda figured. It's fine. I won't tell anyone, promise. I know how...how it can get sometimes. Trust me, I know." He tugged the jacket tighter around him, curling in on himself in a surprisingly vulnerable display. "Hey...can I ask something of you?"  
  
Yodogawa swallowed, before nodding slightly, his hands trembling. He was suddenly, painfully aware of how delicate the situation was, and how terrified he was of screwing up. They were so close right now, both in a physical and emotional sense, and he didn't want to jeopardize that. He wanted this. He wanted it more than anything. He wanted to be friends with Tsuchiya, even if it killed him.  
  
"H-hey, calm down...it's not anything huge or whatever. It's okay." Tsuchiya hesitated, before reaching over and patting one of Yodogawa's hands. "I just wanna know if I could stay here for a while...? I don't really wanna go to class after..." he gestured to his wrist with a grimace, "...you know. These are still fresh, that’s why they cracked open so easily, I think. I could say I was helping you out cuz you're sick? I mean. If you wouldn't mind me hanging here."

Biting his bottom lip, Yodogawa nodded, slowly. "Yes...that's fine. I don't mind. There's one problem though."   
  
Tsuchiya frowned, and for a moment, he looked worried. "Yeah? And what's that?"   
  
"It's with your excuse." Yodogawa smiled, a teasing look in his eyes. It felt good to be playful like this. "No one's going to believe you wanted to help me out. Maybe we could say I threw up on you instead?"   
  
It was quiet for a moment, before Tsuchiya shook his head, chuckling softly to himself. "I guess you're right. I haven’t made myself out to be the most helpful asshole here, have I?"   
  
He smiled, and it almost felt like he waited until Yodogawa smiled back before adjusting the pillow more comfortably under his head. Then, he grimaced, before flipping it over and resting his head back on it. "Okay, cool, then it's settled. You threw up on me, so I stayed here with you. I'm gonna take a nap now, if that's okay? I'm kind of fucking exhausted." 

Yodogawa nodded, tucking his head under his arm. "Yes, that's fine. Maybe I'll get some sleep too..." Even as he said it, he knew that it wasn’t likely to happen. Still, there would be no harm in at least trying to get some more rest, right?   
  
"Mmph...that'd be good," Tsuchiya murmured, letting his eyes fall closed. "Sleep well, buddy. You _are_ sick, after all..."   
  
Yodogawa blinked in surprise, before nodding. "Yeah...I sure am..." he whispered softly in response, unable to stop the smile from spreading across his face. He laughed softly, shutting his own eyes tightly against the world.   
  
His chest burned painfully, but it was also...oddly nice. He couldn’t quite describe it, and he couldn't help but wonder if this was what being loved felt like, or if he was finally dying. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> despite maybe making a friend, things get a little worse. 
> 
> maybe yodogawa should get out of his own head for once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> um this chapter made me even gayer tf 
> 
> if you know me you may be able to guess where this is headed haha 
> 
> anyway, warning for more in depth references to sexual abuse and also a little bit of vague internalized homophobia? the latter can easily be read as something else, though. you'll see what i mean

They laid there for almost an hour. Tsuchiya fell asleep soon after their conversation. Yodogawa didn't.  
  
As much as he wanted to, he just couldn't. His mind just wouldn't let him rest, offering up a cloud of static instead of anything that would let him drift off—a story, a random topic to ponder, an imaginary debate to win.  
  
It didn't help that once the realization that he was essentially alone again set in, a shot of adrenaline rushed through his body, making him feel shaky and restless. It was the same feeling he got after he killed someone, and _god_ , did he hate it. He hated it so much.  
  
His fingers curled tighter into the sheets on his bed, before he sighed and let his eyes fall open. He'd tried his damnedest to keep them closed, but that just wasn't going to happen for him, was it? He was just too awake. He'd been trying for at least half an hour or more, if he hadn't fallen asleep by then, then he wasn't going to fall asleep.  
  
At least he wasn't just staring off into the emptiness like he normally would be. Tsuchiya was still facing him, curled up on his side, his eyes closed and his expression serene. He was snoring softly, his mouth hanging open slightly, and Yodogawa giggled a little at the sight. It was oddly comforting simply to have someone else there, he had to admit. Even if they were just sleeping.  
  
Well, scratch that. It was oddly comforting to have someone there that he _trusted_. And it didn't hurt that Tsuchiya was rather, well, nice looking as well. Even with the bags under his eyes and the slight greasiness to his hair, he was still very, very pretty. Yodogawa was certain that the day Tsuchiya actually took the time to clean himself up in the morning, he would give all of them heart attacks.  
  
He was—to put it bluntly—a pretty boy. A very pretty boy. He just didn’t seem to want to show it.  
  
...was it wrong of him to think that Tsuchiya was cute? Like...really cute. Kissably so.  
  
Oh god, he wasn't just cute, he was _gorgeous_. And he wasn't the only one—all of the boys in Yodogawa's class were incredible in their own ways. Sakuma, Koga, Rokudou, Samejima. Fujimori...the day he first met all of them, he'd had to take a breather just to get over how overwhelmingly attractive they all were. He’d be lying if he said he didn’t like all of them, at least a little bit.  
  
But Tsuchiya was just so _close_ , and he'd been so _kind_ to him today. It almost felt like someone liked him in return, in a way that was more than just the way you'd feel about a mere acquaintance, and Tsuchiya had made abundantly clear enough he didn't care about _anyone_ that way. It was only natural that Yodogawa was feeling more intensely about him after all that. 

More than anything right now, he realized, he craved Tsuchiya's chapped, warm lips on his own.

Longing struck Yodogawa's chest like a truck, and his bottom lip started to tremble, his heart pounding a thousand beats a minute in his chest. He couldn't kiss Tsuchiya now, he shouldn't even be _thinking_ about it! Stupid...he was sleeping...being kissed while sleeping was never fun. Yodogawa knew he sure hated it. He couldn't count the number of times he woke up with his so-called supervisor's tongue down his throat. _Disgusting_.  
  
Even if that weren't the case though, and Tsuchiya was wide awake and he could ask _"Please, please, can I kiss you?"_ , he knew he would never be allowed to. He doubted Tsuchiya would be at all okay with him even _asking_ for that, let alone actually letting him go through with it. He'd probably be disgusted with him, and he'd never want to speak to him again. It was for the best if Yodogawa kept those stupid thoughts to himself.  
  
Of course, that was probably the case with anyone Yodogawa wanted to kiss. Who would ever want to kiss him? He was disgusting. Tainted. A monster. Only dirty older men ever wanted to put their lips anywhere _near_ his own. Sometimes excessively friendly old women as well, if he was lucky. Grandmother types who thought he was just the most polite, darling little thing. They never knew the truth about him. About what he’d done.  
  
Still, that was fine. He'd made peace with that. That didn't mean he couldn't still daydream about how soft Tsuchiya's lips would feel against his. Right? There wasn't anything wrong with that.  
  
Or, at least, there wouldn't have been, if it weren't for the fact that he was laying _right next_ to his vulnerable, sleeping classmate. A classmate who was foolish enough to trust him and believe all of the lies he'd been spinning about himself since day one.  
  
Oh god. He was a disgusting, predatory freak for even _thinking_ those kind of things about him. Who was he to think it was okay for him to _fantasize_ about something so intimate with someone who didn't even know him? Someone who didn't even know all of the sick, twisted things he'd done?  
  
Someone who didn't know that there was a monster laying right there on the bed with him?  
  
An ugly, twisted lump sunk into the pit of his stomach, and he felt guilt well up in his chest. He shouldn't be here, laying across from Tsuchiya and fantasizing about...about kissing him. That was horrible! What kind of sick pervert was he?! He shouldn't be violating his fellow student like this!  
  
Takamura was right. He _was_ just like him. 

Involuntarily, he whimpered, shivers running through his body. He sat up quickly, the motion making his already queasy stomach lurch, and he shoved himself off of the bed and onto his feet. He stumbled, nearly tripping on nothing as he made his way to his door on trembling legs. He had to get out. He had to get _out_! Tsuchiya didn't want him there, there was no way, no way no way no way, and even if there was the slightest chance that he was _okay_ with him staying there, he would definitely want him gone after he knew everything, so he had to go...!

He was moving so fast and so shakily that he practically slammed into the door, accidentally causing a loud banging in the process. He heard Tsuchiya shuffling in the background, and he briefly looked over his shoulder to see him lifting his head in confusion.  
  
Tsuchiya blinked at him, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. He looked incredibly confused. "Hey...what're you...?"  
  
For a moment, Yodogawa paused. Maybe he should just stop and think for a moment. He was self aware enough to know that he wasn't in his right mind. Maybe he should just take a moment to breathe and—  
  
"Yodo— _Seishi_. What are you doing?"  
  
—or not. Tears suddenly welled up in the corners of his eyes, and he started to pry open the lock with trembling fingers. He felt like he'd just been stabbed in the gut. He couldn't stay here. He just couldn't. He didn't deserve to even be in the same _room_ as the other, much less let him call him by his supposed first name.  
  
Oh god, he couldn't breathe. He had to escape, he had to escape _now_.  
  
He gasped desperately for air as he finally managed to pull the lock undone, his shaking fingers making the action unusually difficult. He threw the door open and started to run, no destination in mind other than _away_ and _out of here_.  
  
"S-Seishi! Hey! _Seishi_!"  
  
Tsuchiya's voice just urged him to run faster, despite his weak, trembling legs and his breaths coming in as desperate pants. His vision was blurry, both from the lack of oxygen and the tears threatening to spill over, and so he didn't even notice someone in his way until—  
  
"AH!" 

—he ran into a warm, human shaped figure, sending them both toppling. He landed on top of them, of course, but he was only there for a moment before scrambling off and backing up against the wall in a panic. He curled in on himself, wrapping his arms tightly over his chest and digging his fingernails into his skin in a weak attempt to ground (or perhaps punish) himself. He wanted to open his mouth and apologize, but he was terrified he would just break down into sobs instead since he was already so dangerously close to doing so. Tears were already streaming down his cheeks, and he couldn't breathe properly outside of weak gasps and hyperventilating. 

"Yodogawa-san?" Rokudou was the one he'd sent sprawling across the floor. He found himself jealous of the way the other swiftly collected himself, straightening up and kneeling next to him. "A-Ayumu-san, I found him! He's out here!"    


"Ay-Ayu...?" Yodogawa choked before he could finish his name, and he could feel tears dripping down his chin and onto his sleeves. No...no, Fujimori was the last person he needed to see right now, he couldn't breathe, he couldn't...  
  
"Seishi-kun!" Fujimori's voice made him choke, and he tried to retreat even further into the wall as he sensed the other kneel down in front of him. "What happened? Are you okay?"  
  
Yodogawa hiccuped, shaking his head vigorously. He was trying to say "No, please don't come close to me", but the gesture unwittingly forced him to give up the truth. No, he was not okay. He was not okay at _all_ , and he hadn't been since last night.  
  
"Oh, Seishi-kun..." Fujimori's hand came up to grab one of his, gently prying it away from his arm. He seemed to pause in this action, however, at the sound of someone's footsteps.  
  
"Jesus Christ..." a familiar, worried voice chimed in.  
  
Great, now Tsuchiya was here. The two people he didn't want to see right now. He felt like he could break into little pieces, his tentative hold on his sanity barely keeping him together.  
  
Hell, if it weren't for the fact that Fujimori was standing now, he probably _would've_ cracked. It was hard enough without him right at his side. He could still hear Fujimori's voice, saying something to Tsuchiya, something that sounded almost accusatory, and Tsuchiya responded with an indignant tone. They were talking about _him_ , weren’t they?

Then, thankfully, there came a distraction. Rokudou's trembling hand rested on his shoulder, and he looked over at him in surprise through his wet eyelashes and the big, fat tears that yet to have fallen down his cheeks. There was an anxious expression on the other's face, and he felt so _damn_ sorry for causing him all of this worry. He wanted to fall asleep forever so that he wouldn't have to hurt anyone else.  
  
"I-I'm sorry," he croaked out, finally, after what seemed like ages of being silent. "I'm s-so sorry."  
  
Rokudou bit his lip, giving his shoulder a gentle squeeze. "It's okay," he said, just as softly. Then, he spoke up a little, glancing toward Fujimori and Tsuchiya and asking, "Did something happen? You don't usually seem to..." He paused, rethinking his words. "You don't cry over small things. I know you don't." 

Oh god. What was he supposed to say in response to that? _I can't handle the fact that I'm a freakish pervert like_ him _, I'm just like_ him _and I can't bear it_ ? Or maybe, _I have to kill one of the first people who'd been kind to me in a genuine way, the first person who called me their_ friend _and_ meant it _and I foolishly got close to them and now I have to kill them and once I do you all will despise me and I shouldn't care so much about any of that because this is my_ job _, my goddamn_ job _but I don’t want to lose any of you_?  
  
"I...I..."  
  
He bit back a whimper and pushed himself up a little straighter, still leaning heavily against the wall. He'd been slumped over for a little while now, and his back was starting to hurt. _Spines aren't meant to be curled that way, you pathetic idiot,_ he reminded himself ever so gently.  
  
Rokudou's hand moved from his shoulder to his arm, as if to support him, and Yodogawa found himself surprisingly relieved that he didn't let go of him completely. Despite himself, he managed a small smile as he met Rokudou's eyes, and his heart fluttered a little when he received a small smile in return.  
  
The light feeling didn't last long, of course. He could feel Tsuchiya's and Fujimori's eyes on him, and once again, he felt as though he were being suffocated.  
  
"He's...he's sick. He actually threw up on me earlier," Tsuchiya finally said, saving Yodogawa from having to respond. They met eyes, only for a moment, and then Tsuchiya gave a weak chuckle and glanced away. "Yeah...that was when I first checked on him...I decided to stay with him and also...clean up and stuff..."  
  
Yodogawa swallowed, before nodding slightly and attempting to get to his feet. "I-I've been out of it all day..." he said, finally finding his voice. "I-I'm sorry...I didn't—didn't mean to drag you guys into it..."  
  
...he couldn't seem to push himself onto his feet. Panic struck his chest, and for a moment, he was certain that his legs had stopped working. Oh god, he was already being such an emotional burden, please don't let him be a physical burden too...  
  
Thankfully, Rokudou seemed to notice his trouble, and he offered him a small, worried smile. "Here," he said, helping him to his feet and sliding an arm around his waist. He held onto him until he was standing steady again, and then simply rested a hand lightly on his back. "You can hold onto me if you need to, as well."  
  
For a moment, Yodogawa smiled again, and he murmured a soft "thanks" before his face settled back into an unreadable, miserable expression. From this angle, he could clearly see the suspicion and concern on Fujimori's face, and a lump had once again rose into his throat. 

After a brief moment, Fujimori spoke up again. "Ah...Seishi-kun, about what you said...it's fine," he said, and it sounded as though he was choosing his words very deliberately. "We came looking for you, after all. You're not dragging us into anything." He turned to Tsuchiya, his expression turning a little aggravated. "Why didn't you text us like you said you would?"  
  
Biting his lip, Tsuchiya averted his eyes, something that almost looked like shame on his face. "I, uh...got distracted."  
  
"Yeah, no kidding." Fujimori crossed his arms over his chest and stared harshly at Tsuchiya for a few seconds, before his expression softened once again and he let his arms drop. "Do you...how, uh...how sick is he? Does he need to see the nurse or...someone along those lines?"  
  
They were speaking in riddles and tones to each other, and Yodogawa felt awful lot like he was a child again and his overseers were talking about him right in front of his face. He clung a little tighter to Rokudou's arm, happy that at least this time there was someone here to be just as frustrated as he was.  
  
And Rokudou was definitely feeling frustrated. Yodogawa didn't fail to notice how his mouth would open, as though he was about to interject, only to close it once again and scowl a little. What was he trying to say? Maybe it was to protest their private conversation? Maybe it was to pawn Yodogawa off to one of them so that he could finally leave this painful situation behind? Well, he couldn't blame him if that was what it was. He was definitely being a nuisance. And he should probably let go of his arm...  
  
Yeah, he should definitely do that. He let his fingers uncurl from Rokudou's arm and stepped away a little, offering an apologetic smile as he did so. To his surprise, an expression that looked very nearly like disappointment flickered across his classmate's face, before it fell back into his usual neutral visage. What was that about…?

"Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry...I guess it was fever dreams or something. I'll be sure to keep a better eye on him, I _promise_ ," Tsuchiya was saying, sidling over to Yodogawa’s side and lightly scooping up his hand. He gave it a soft squeeze to snap him back into the present, offering a small smile when Yodogawa lifted his gaze. "Come on, you sick little asshole. That's enough excitement for one day, yeah?"  
  
Well, now he _really_ felt like a kid. He curled in on himself and pouted a little, letting himself sink into the feeling. If they were going to treat him like a kid, then _fine_ , he could act like a kid.

Which for him, meant being docile and silently obedient. 

You know. Like all kids, and not just children who had been trained to be assassins from a young age.

"Do you want us to come with you?" Rokudou asked, finally speaking up after a while of staying quiet. He seemed anxious, and even a little annoyed. Yodogawa wasn't quite sure why, but he imagined that it must be his fault. He'd really lost it back there, but he was calmer now, calm enough to feel humiliated by what he’d just done. When he was feeling better, he had to make it up to them somehow, all of them.  
  
"Umm..." Tsuchiya fiddled with the sleeves of Yodogawa’s jacket, looking nervous at the question. Oddly so. "I mean...I..."  
  
"Ah...my apologies, but I don't wanna get anyone else sick," Yodogawa murmured in response, his voice weak and choked, but resolute. Tsuchiya had stepped in for him earlier, it was only right for him to return the favor, even if it felt like every word was draining him. "I think I've...caused enough trouble as it is. The last thing we need is an outbreak, yeah...?"  
  
Rokudou let his head fall to the side a bit, a confusingly sad look on his face. "I...I suppose..." he said, a tinge of uncertainty to his voice.  
  
Fujimori seemed hesitant as well, but he nodded, backing off a bit. "I guess we'll just go back to class, then...we'll tell everyone you're okay, Seishi-kun, just sick. Hopefully you two don't get in trouble...and hopefully you don't get sick too, Tsuchiya-san."  
  
"Ah...hahaha...yeah, that sure would suck, wouldn’t it?" Tsuchiya said uncomfortably, tugging lightly on his hand. He was clearly restless, eager to get back to the room. Yodogawa couldn't say he blamed him. This whole "trip" had been exhausting. It was his own fault, too. God, what had he been _thinking_?  
  
"That would be just the worst...I've already caused him so much trouble," Yodogawa mumbled, shaking his head. “I’d hate to cause him even more misery.” He tried chuckling weakly in an attempt to distract them from how genuinely disgusted he was with himself. If he laughed, he could force it into a joke, right?  
  
Judging by the looks on their faces, he could not. Oh god. Even Tsuchiya took a moment to stare at him.  
  
"I-I feel dizzy!" he exclaimed suddenly, even letting himself collapse a bit to really sell it. "I-I..." He stumbled, one hundred percent ready to fall on his backside if he needed to.  
  
Panicked looks spread across the faces of his companions, all three of them taking a step forward. Tsuchiya was quick to grab onto him, wrapping an arm around his waist and grabbing onto his hand to hold him up.  
  
"We-we should get going," Tsuchiya mumbled, starting to walk him toward the dorm rooms. "I-I'll talk to you guys later, or whatever."  
  
"Y-yeah..."  
  
Yodogawa didn't look behind him as they walked away, his gaze focused on the ground as though he were trying to maintain his balance. He had to keep up the act, after all.  
  
Besides, he didn't need to look behind him to know that Fujimori and Rokudou were watching them. He could feel their eyes on his back. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha italics amirite

**Author's Note:**

> as per usual, feel free to visit me at twily-writes.tumblr.com


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